Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay, why? -
3 points. I want to say that the topic of this essay is really connected with our lives. Your essay follows the classical argument format well and contains some evidence of drafting and research. I'm sure that you put a tremendous amount of effort to write this essay. I think you did well so far, but there are somethings you should change for getting 2 more points. Now I will tell you why I gave you 3 points for you 2nd draft. First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is"
How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is".Also, i think you should correct your grammar mistakes to help readers to understand it more comfortable
Thesis
What is the thesis?
jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind.
Is the thesis clear and debatable?
The thesis is clear but not debatable.
If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
Any other thoughts?
Jealousy is the most dangerous emotions among human mind.
Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
Yes, i can. I already marked it..
Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
Yes, it contains interesting stories and adages that can help readers' understanding. But, i cannot find the reason why the author said about the story. I don't think the story is not relevant your thesis. I would be better if you connect the captivating story and your thesis.
Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
Actually, I did not know the differences between "envious" and " jealous". It was good, only this thing, it is not enough. I recommend you add what makes you think the jealousy is the most dangerous feeling in human .... For example, It would be good if you talk about other feelings are not as dangerous as jealousy.
Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
Yes, it is.
Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
- I think your refutation is a little weak than your opponents' argument. So I think you should think more about the expected counter arguments and refute them. I don't think it is enough.
Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis? I think you should summarize your argument again. In your conclusion, there are only your suggestions.
What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
I want to say that the topic of this essay is really connected with our lives. Your essay follows the classical argument format well and contains some evidence of drafting and research. I'm sure that you put a tremendous amount of effort to write this essay. I think you did well so far, but there are somethings you should change for getting 2 more points. Now I will tell you why I gave you 3 points for you 2nd draft. First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is".
First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is".Also, i think you should correct your grammar mistakes to help readers to understand it more comfortable
Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I have never thought of the thesis.
When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I do not agree with the thesis.
If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
Although i did not change my mind, the examples and research was compelling to persuade other people.
How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?I think it can be the great persuasive essay if you articulate the first, second, third reasons why jealousy is the most dangerous feeling and why the other feelings like envy ,greed, obsession are not as dangerous as it.
Research
Is the author using research effectively?
Yes.
Is the research from appropriate sources?
I think so. But i think you need more research to strengthen you narration and rebuttal and concession part
Are the sources obvious?
Yes. they are.
Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes. But i don't know why the author talked about the difference between jealousy and envy.
Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
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